Tragic Reincarnations

At times, it so happens in life that the very motivation of ur life, ur drive, is lost....forever. I know that my last post was exactly 3 months before. A lot traversed between this time span. I had to undertake the much dreaded visit to my place, I was sacked from the project I was heading & the love (of life?) left me (read dumped)!!! 

My first response was a much cliched one. I hated the world. I quit my job. I went home. When I came back, she had gone too; to where, I didnt know. Now, I had to move out beacuse she was to keep the apartment. Mutual agreement, duh!!! I wanted to keep it. Her smell still lingered around there. But I had to give up my claims. She didnt cry; I did. I spent the weekend at my friends apartment, drinking & watching EPL. Chelsea lost the match! I cried again. I got into the same company I had quit an year ago. For a much lesser pay. The HR smiled and welcomed me back. But I knew he was grinning on the inside. Bastard! I moved into a little apartment in downtown. nothing fancy or chique like ours. Afterall, she was the architect not me! 

Things happened at a fast pace that it took me much time to realise what was happening. by them, I was beyond help. The no of ciggies butts had increased so much that I've to empty the ash-tray a few times every day. By the time I got out of the haze of the blue smoke, I was weak, frail & shabby. I had lost quite a few pounds. Why did I waste 20K on an electric treadmill if I knew this was coming? Maybe I should have let her take it & get something else. Maybe our bed. It was soft & I'm sure it would smell like her. And it was where we had made love scores of times; sometimes wild and hardcore sometimes soft and passionate. My heart aches when I think of that. What if she was making out with someone else right now? That too on our bed!!! I was angry, I was sad & I was close to tears!

It took me a months to realise that I had to sound the S.O.S soon cause I was beyond self help. By then, I was literally living on booze, ciggies and asprin. The first one to sense the S.O.S was Aakash. And he woke me up from the haze. He became my analgesic. He was my new shrink. But he couldnt be as good as her. She was the my best shrink. In her arms, I could talk, I could cry & I never worried about ego. But she was the problem now. Actually, she isnt the sole problem, but she is the biggest chunk, I guess.

A thousand thoughts of revenge came to my mind. When u are hurt, the first thoughts are of revenge. I guess it's the first basic reaction. Hurt egos can be such a devil. But I'm nowhere strong as she is. I'm lost in the emotional sea of hope, fear and desperation.

It is difficult to wait for someone and it is difficult to forget someone. But the most difficult thing is to decide whether to wait for the loved one or to forget them!!!

Hitler...

I had been working my ass off on this project that we've to complete by next week. I had to spend many a sleepless nights on the lap when what I would have loved is to sleep in my bed, her breath falling on my chest. But it wasn't so.

It was 10 when I got back home today. She had her glasses on. She too must have been working. But I could see that the TV was on. Hmmm, multi-tasking, I thought. One of her qualities I had come to adore. She could give u a sensuous massage while talking to her folks over the phone!

"Why did u switch off ur phone?" Her voice brought me back to reality.

"I forgot to charge it yesterday night. U could have called me to the office number if it was important. What's the matter?"

"Why would I call u in the office?"

"Then?"

"It was the S.O.B!"

"What? Really? What did u say? What did he say?" I was hungry for information

"Easy kid! I knew it was from Kerala. But didn't think it would be him. He was silent for a moment and then he asked for u.

"That's it?"

"Yeah! I told him u were in office and to try to ur mobile. He said he trie. Well, he wants u to call him ASAP!"

"For what? Did he mention anything?"

"What? U care?"

"No!

I pondered a moment at the Dow Jones being telecast in the TV.

"I guess I'm tired and sweaty. I should hit the showers!" I announced.

"U had something to eat? Should I fix u something?"

"We ordered it from outside. And a few beers too! On company account! After all, we should get some bonus for working our asses off!"

She nodded and went back to the draft she was drawing. She is the city's leading architect.

*************

I preferred a cold shower now. As the cold water fell upon me, my thoughts trailed....

The S.O.B or Son of a Bitch was my pro-creator, my father! After I read the Love Story to her this Valentine's Day, we had agreed upon calling him that. Not that she would object; she didn't have any such feelings, whatsoever!

He is the Hitler, possibly the reason why half of me is like this. I always attributed the annoying characteristics of mine to him; the rest, I was glad to bestow on the poor soul that was my mother! I call him Hitler, not just because he was strict disciplinarian, an embodiment of terror to me and the fact that I was really afraid of him as I grew up. It was because he was like Hitler- he was a strong, charismatic person; a great manipulator and a strong romantic at heart. And I hated him for everything other people looked up to in him! He was a very prominent advocate of the region until he fell from the stairs and handed over most of his practice to his younger brother and juniors two years ago.

I grew up in something no better than a Nazi concentration camp. If my father was Hitler, then probably, my brother was the head of the camp! That was the dark age of my life before the Renaissance when I left for college for my engineering! After I landed myself a job, one of my top priorities was to disagree with the Hitler on everything possible even when I knew I was wrong! I went home less and less! And Hitler would bark at me through the new mobile phone my doc bro had bought him for his birthday! I always wanted to buy him some cute birthday gift; something like a pen bomb or a letter bomb. If not for the slight possibility of my mother opening it, I would have definitely tried it!

Now that he fell from stairs and needs a walking stick to support him, he is more of a lion who lost his mane. And I was fighting to take his place now, I didn't have to think twice before replying to him! I was blunt with him. I didn't care anymore!

The best moment was when he announced that I should be getting married to some girl of his choice. By then, it had been a couple of months since she and me had moved to our new apartment where I'm right now! I announced to him that I'm not going to marry anyone and that I'm living with the person I care for! I can't tell u how orgasmic it felt. I would have loved to see his face when I said it so fast and quick. And the reaction was violent as expected. After all a lion would never forget how to roar!

And when the new lion also began to roar back, I heard a click at the other end. It was after a couple of hours when I got the call from my mother. I knew the Hitler was close by, listening to each and every word! And I had the best time, when I explained to her about the girl I was living with. I had great pride in saying I lived with her because she was everything he wouldn't have wanted her to be- Christian, Anglo-Indian and two years older than me!

*************

Even though I had tried to dismiss the thought, I couldn't get it out of my mind. Was there anything urgent? Was my mother ill? How much I try, I still had to care for some things. That is something I got from my mother's half of genes I guess. Something I had come to dread!

"Still thinking of it?" She had bathed and changed to her negligee. I could get the fragrance of her soap from the bed!

"What? No no. I dismissed it then itself. Was thinking about the office."

"WTF? U think I buy it? A hundred times I've said, don't fake ur emotions in front of me. What do u think I'm? A 100 bucks whore from the brothel?" Man, she had a really quick tongue. But that was another thing I loved about her!

"Yeah, u r my whore! U got any problems with that?" I spat back.

She stared at me for a moment. And then slid close to me in the bed and switched off the table lamp. And I could feel her moist lips all over me!

The Day She Smiled....

I still remember the day she smiled at me for the first time. It was the day she died!!!

She was my first crush. Call it infatuation or crush or my teenage fantasy, I like to consider her as my first love. It’s a face I'll never forget. There were many sleepless nights when I would dream about her and wake up terrified and crying.

I met her for when she was transferred to my school. I was in tenth and she was a year junior to me. Born and brought up in Mumbai, she belonged to one of those traditional aristocratic family legacy combinations like mine; the only difference being that I came from a Menon family while she came from a Roman Catholic family!

Her father had retired from service and had decided to spend his retired life in their ancestral home which was in my village. Yeah, our village has its own chain of ancient families with a legacy!!! That’s how she landed with her sister in my school.

She was good looking and soon was the talk of the school. At a time when every other girl oiled their hair with half a litre of coconut oil everyday and plaited it on both sides, here was a girl who had bouncy hair that was left open! Well, the PT instructor didn't allow it to last long but it was a welcome change for a few days. RC boys had a feast on Sundays and had enough to talk for a week till the next Sunday!

An introvert that I was, I didn't even know that she existed until I met her in my home one day! It turned out that Hitler and her dad were school days friends and they were supposed to lunch with us on a Saturday. I still remember the first time I met her. I can’t describe the feeling I felt when I saw her for the first time. I would term her as extremely beautiful, but to me, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met! While her younger sister was talking non-stop, she didn't talk. She didn't even smile. I was extremely careful with whatever I did and tried my best to avoid being among them lest Hitler would embarrass me in front of them for some trivial thing. But I felt this strong urge to take another look at her face lest I forgot it!!!

I still remember that night reasoning with myself why she was so quiet. I found a millions reasons ranging from disliking the place to a tall, dark handsome boyfriend back in Mumbai! And I fell asleep with those thoughts. Maybe for the first time till then, I was longing for school. What if she smiled at me in school or even better, came and talked to me. I had even thought about the possible dialogues she would say!

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I felt so cramped in this place. I can’t find anyone who understands my present needs"

And like a typical mallu movie hero, I would reply with some cheesy lines "It is so difficult to understand someone if they don't trust their heart with someone; someone who can hold ur hands and fill that void in ur heart!"

And we would have a romantic song by the backwaters!!!

Well, I did see her the next day. Talking apart, she didn't even look my way. It was as if I didn't exist. And I knew that my intuition about the classical tall, dark handsome guy was true! Now my dreams were about how she would find out that he was actually two-timing her and she returns heart broken and I lend her a shoulder. And the hero goes and confronts the villain and teaches him a lesson. My poor pillow had to suffer some hard punches in the coming weeks!

Then it happened. It was a couple of months later. Now it was our turn to visit her house. My bro, the all-gentleman medico was home too. She was better and talking this time. But to the wrong person- to my bro! It seems she wanted to become a doc! How I hated this whole doctor thing then and there. Plus my brother. He always came into my life at the wrong time. Plus he was five years older than her. Even though Hitler would cling to family and tradition, what if in a crazy moment, he decides to bring her home as "ghar ki bahu"??? What if, like in the mallu movies, both our parents had made a promise long long back??? My thoughts were wandering and I was restless. Hitler's voice brought me back, "What are u thinking off? Finish ur lunch!"

The next day, I didn't want to go to the school. I couldn't think of calling her my "edathiyamma" (bhabhi)! I would rather die. And here she was, coming in the opposite direction. And as she passes me, she smiles at me. It was the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen. It was short but then it was meant exclusively for me. I was on top of the world. I didn't know how to take it. I was instantly happy and then I thought, she sees me as her brother-in-law. She wants me to like her. And she wants my family to like her so that she would land with us. And my brother was my number one enemy now. Whatever it was, I found that I couldn't dislike her.

I heard it around evening. She had drowned in their old pond in their backyard. She was supposed to know swimming. But she was found dead there. I was shocked and grieved and I don't know what other emotion over-whelmed me. I wanted to go there and see her for a last time. But I didn't dare ask my dad. I waited till night so that I could cry without anyone seeing me. I somehow took the blame for her death. I wanted to turn back time. See her smile again; and smile back at her and treasure that smile as mine own!

I began to dream of her frequently. There was this dark pond and a hand came out, calling my name and then pulls me into it. And I wake up sobbing and sweating. Slowly, thoughts of her began to fade. But she was indeed my first love!

Who Am I???

"Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied."

Thus goes the opening lines of the 2002 blockbuster, Spiderman.

Now the ball is in my court. Who am I? U sure u want to know?

I'm just yet another guy among u. A lot alike u but then so different from u. There isn't anything striking about me to make me stand out in a crowd except for the fact that I might look uneasy! Well, I've a problem with the, err, crowd or to put in another angle, two person is too much crowd for me!

So that’s where I begin. I'm an outright introvert. No no, I'm not proud about it and all. There had been times, when I've felt what if I wasn't. U know, especially when u have been seeing this particular good looking girl in the cafe for a few days now and u fumble and fumble inside urself for the right words and rehearse it a hundred times inside u and then suddenly the guy sitting next to u asks her, "Is that the latest copy of Verve with that exclusive on Mae West?" and I end up studying my palm and nails.

Born as the second child in a typical matrimonial ad material traditional-aristocratic family from Kerala and shadowed by my elder brother throughout my childhood thru puberty to teenage and continuing to my youth-hood, I was really insecure and ended up as an introvert. Well, I had no problems with my big bro; no sibling rivalry or anything but I guess he had! If being the school topper, athletics team captain and the school leader wasn't enough for him, he developed torturing me as a new area of interest. And I readily obliged! And I got a certificate for it that I still hang on my left eyebrow.

Ok, enough bitching about my bro. Well, he is quite nice actually. I should say so at least for the sake of his patients upon whom he operates. I don't want to be their anaesthetist.

I would like to remember my dad as a Hitler sans the moustache! He was very strict about one thing- everything that I didn't do! U know y Love Story is one of my favourite books? Cos Oliver calls his dad a SOAB all the time in the book. I know I shouldn't have said this but who cares. My mom was a poor soul caught up between all these. I guess she had a hard time seeing me getting all beaten up. Family bitching is also over.

Now let’s come to the part to what I did that eventually got me a job. I'm an engineer. I never wanted to be one. I didn't even know what an engineer actually did. But when my dad wanted to make me a doc, I knew I wouldn't be one. What was his mind on? Starting a hospital at home? Engineering was the only option before me. That was my first victory! My four years in engineering college changed my life forever. Not that I became much of an extrovert or that I had lots of girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I had a friend among girls and I was proud to call her my girl friend! It was there I met some of the most astonishing creatures called friends (Yeah, I had friends!) and there was where I found courage in booze and fag.

Now I've a good job that helps my stock of booze from not getting exhausted. Plus, I've a decent place to live with a lot of things thrown in for the effects. I'm a gadget guy!

And I've a huge bedroom with a nice bed and someone to share it. Boys, don't raise ur eyes; every dog has a day. I found her on mine. But she would be reserved for another post.

The Begining...

(A distant scream.....)

"Baby, what happened? What is it? ", she asked me. She had switched on the bed side lamp. The clock showed that it was just 3.30 in the morning.

I knew that I was sweating like hell. I was dripping wet in spite of the ac.

"I saw it again."

"The dream?"

"Yes. It would never leave me I think. One day, it is going to take me with it. "

"Oh baby" She was hold me tightly to her and I could feel my wetness dripping onto her cold body. She didn't mind it.

"Baby, it will all be alright. Just don't think of it. Go back to sleep. I'll hold u. It’s still two more hours to go."

"I don't think I can do that. I won’t be able to sleep again. U go back to sleep. I'll be fine. I just need to stay awake."

"Are u sure darling? I don't want u to be sitting all alone, thinking of it."

"No, I won't. Just go back to sleep."

I kiss her on her forehead and walk towards the bathroom. I turn on the hot water and stand under the shower. I could feel the warm water dripping from my hair onto my body and down... It was a feeling I immensely loved. I always felt secure within the enclosure of the shower. And it helped me think too.

By the time I was out of the shower, she had gone back to sleep. I still had one and half hours before she woke up. I wanted something strong to drink. Whiskey? Well, I preferred strong black coffee. I didn't want a headache while working. I put on the kettle and brewed a strong one and took it to the living room. My thoughts were back to the dream. It is the third time now. Every time I had woken up; sweating and panting. I didn't know why it came back to me. But I knew if I didn't find out what it meant, it would haunt and hunt me forever.

I switched on my lap. There was the picture of me and her taken during our last vacation in Matheran. I was giving her a piggy ride. I think Ashish clicked it. We had gone as a group, the five of us. It had just been two months since I had met her first. She was some of the things I always wanted. She was fun to be with, mature for her age and loved travelling and driving and always managed to laugh at my PJs.

I logged in to my Blogger account. There wasn't much to do. No one leaves any comments. I guess who reads my blog. I always check back to see if the number of profile views has increased. Sometimes, I refresh 10-15 times just for the sake of it. I always wanted to be like those social netizens who got so much attention with a lot of fans and followers. For that, either u had to be a really good social animal with a good sense of humour and creativity or u had to be girl. Luckily enough, I was neither. I'm an introvert. And I guess I'm not the only one who wonders how I got her!

I knew what I wanted. This would be my new blog; something with life and emotion. It would be about those things that my life is bound to. I want this to be a hit. I know that sex is a best-seller. Maybe, I could spice it up occasionally with titbits about my love life. I know that is cheap. Well, I don't have the courage to come into limelight and do it. So, here I'm. U know me but still u don't. This is me, living my new lease of life on Blogger.