At times, it so happens in life that the very motivation of ur life, ur drive, is lost....forever. I know that my last post was exactly 3 months before. A lot traversed between this time span. I had to undertake the much dreaded visit to my place, I was sacked from the project I was heading & the love (of life?) left me (read dumped)!!!
My first response was a much cliched one. I hated the world. I quit my job. I went home. When I came back, she had gone too; to where, I didnt know. Now, I had to move out beacuse she was to keep the apartment. Mutual agreement, duh!!! I wanted to keep it. Her smell still lingered around there. But I had to give up my claims. She didnt cry; I did. I spent the weekend at my friends apartment, drinking & watching EPL. Chelsea lost the match! I cried again. I got into the same company I had quit an year ago. For a much lesser pay. The HR smiled and welcomed me back. But I knew he was grinning on the inside. Bastard! I moved into a little apartment in downtown. nothing fancy or chique like ours. Afterall, she was the architect not me!
Things happened at a fast pace that it took me much time to realise what was happening. by them, I was beyond help. The no of ciggies butts had increased so much that I've to empty the ash-tray a few times every day. By the time I got out of the haze of the blue smoke, I was weak, frail & shabby. I had lost quite a few pounds. Why did I waste 20K on an electric treadmill if I knew this was coming? Maybe I should have let her take it & get something else. Maybe our bed. It was soft & I'm sure it would smell like her. And it was where we had made love scores of times; sometimes wild and hardcore sometimes soft and passionate. My heart aches when I think of that. What if she was making out with someone else right now? That too on our bed!!! I was angry, I was sad & I was close to tears!
It took me a months to realise that I had to sound the S.O.S soon cause I was beyond self help. By then, I was literally living on booze, ciggies and asprin. The first one to sense the S.O.S was Aakash. And he woke me up from the haze. He became my analgesic. He was my new shrink. But he couldnt be as good as her. She was the my best shrink. In her arms, I could talk, I could cry & I never worried about ego. But she was the problem now. Actually, she isnt the sole problem, but she is the biggest chunk, I guess.
A thousand thoughts of revenge came to my mind. When u are hurt, the first thoughts are of revenge. I guess it's the first basic reaction. Hurt egos can be such a devil. But I'm nowhere strong as she is. I'm lost in the emotional sea of hope, fear and desperation.
It is difficult to wait for someone and it is difficult to forget someone. But the most difficult thing is to decide whether to wait for the loved one or to forget them!!!
